The Abysmal Tales part I

Agitation, Irritation, Antsy, Contemplative, self-judging...

It's how I spent shabbath today; now dark mossé shabbath evening, the feelings still linger, and not in a most hopeful or optimistic way that I usually am found to be in. I have been reviewing, unpurposefully (just made that word up - maybe), the future, things I need and must accomplish, all with a proverbial 'knife' stabbing at me with every self-loathing and judgmental thought. Very much the anti-thesis of 'being' that I wish to attain... or was I already in 'being'?

All of this is utter craziness, and life seems to be very cynic-like. I have long ago taken the "lone wolf" path, hence my pseudonym here, "ookami" (Jap. for 'solitary wolf')... Interestingly enough, I'm 'lone' in so many different ways, almost every, so the pseudonym suits me just fine.

I'm 'lone' in thought and religious fulfillment, as stated so very well by Hakham Faur in Homo Mysticus. Though, there are others who do join me in this path that I have met... so I guess in this regard, i am no longer lone; however, in the treatment from other Jews to those like us, every individual of our ilk, as we are labeled, is treated with grave contempt.

I am lone, or rather, a lone when dealing with a loved one... other than family and friends. Though, I have been asked out last week by an interesting girl, in an everyday way of the world... I am unconvinced that this is the soul path. In the way I describe this, I am sure that many would see this as a reflection that I have of myself... which could be true... but, who knows. What I do know that this reflects about myself is that I am looking for someone to share intimate details about myself, and about my perception of life with, to make mistakes with, to continue and progress in life with.

For me, I do not even have friends that fit the bill, if there were a non-romantic friend to fit this, maybe I would have no need for more (?)... maybe this only friend is God? Yet if it is even His tora says that I cannot walk alone...yet, I proudly walk lone...yet see that the path of the whispering self will not let me continue 'lone.
So why not be with this person who asked me out? My soul tells me no, and I trust in it because it hears God - all souls do. Until I find the One, my Eve, my Sarah, I walk alone. Any other female is only a distraction and is a perpetuation of my being alone. My heart nor my eyes, nor my mind seeks distraction of the nonsense of women. I want to remain fixated on truth only. Unfortunately I anticipate mistakes happening along the way. May God protect me and my beloved who I have yet to meet that we find each other and strive together.

As I read in "Jewish dreams and Realities", a book I had to edit for printing, we have God, so one is never alone... I just ask... "can I truly connect to Him?" I really wish to. For connecting to humanity seems just as impossible as the thought of actually connecting with Him! How all seems to be futile... yet, as I water up within myself, I remember the words of King Shelomó,

" סוֹף דָּבָר, הַכֹּל נִשְׁמָע: אֶת-הָאֱלֹהִים יְרָא וְאֶת-מִצְו‍ֹתָיו שְׁמוֹר, כִּי-זֶה כָּל-הָאָדָם "

"Concluding word, to it's entirety be [yourself] yielding/hearing/listening: Fear God, and observe His enjoinments/attachments (commandments), this is the entirety of man-kind".

I have noticed that everything that a person, that one sole human being does, isn't for themselves, a person does not live for themselves, no matter how diluted they may be to think that they do. The fact is, everything a person does affects and has effect on humanity at large, whether directly or not. Yes, this idea does echo what some want to call kabbalistic philosophy, but, it is beyond this idea of kabbalah, it is, in fact, human reality.

How do I really attach? The Torah seems full of this very message... "be set-apart as I am set-apart", all throughout Wayiqra, and "be Tamim with your God", and "attach (debeq) yourself to the Lord your God" which the sages explain that debeq to God is to attach to the Hakhamim. Yet, another debeq I find is in Bereshith where the male species is told to leave parents to debeq unto his wife...

Maybe this is where I first made a mistake in my experiment of the whispering self? hehe, I don't really know; however, I begin to really understand that "it is not good for a man to be alone"... is not God sufficient? I guess not, for Adam was already with God when the Prime Cause intimated the statement that it isn't good for him to be alone. How do we connect!? What is our purpose!? Of course, this takes me back to Koheleth 12 that everything we are to do is to fear god and keep His enjoinments... so then I ask, "how do we keep them!?" yet, of course, a simple answer is given... just observe the Halakhoth, "but how do we keep these as attachments rather than "commandments" of which there really is no Hebrew for!?" To attach oneself isn't a black and white thing, yes, there may be the foundational protocol between two people trying to make the connection; nevertheless, it's something much more... the desire to become intimate, to know someone that well, in which we find Moshé Rabbenu expressing when he called out to the Prime Mover, "Let me see you!", The Prime Cause responded, "No, but I'll let you see my 'back'."

I return to thoughts of being 'better', whatever that is supposed to mean. To attain a decent paying career, enough to care for myself and loved-ones, enough to help out those in need, to help out genuine causes for the cause of unity and completeness and peace... sigh... but, c'est la vie

and what am I to do, and how am i to go about it? Life painstakingly ails me, yet Life is God.

I trust no one, yet I am the first to give people the benefit of the doubt. I go with their flow, only to find out that it's not really the flow which I would have initially opted for. People change at every moment, yet, God is said to be the same and unchanging for ever and ever... yet it seems to be nuanced that to attach to God one must attach to humanity, in the biblical words and the words of Hhaza"l, to attach not to humanity as a whole but specifically to a wife and to the Rabbis (Rabbis, which exist not today)... what a convoluted and confusing path life must be if this is so...

Oh yea, and I had the strangest, almost like a horror movie without the gore, kind of dream...though, i completely forgot what it was about.

I need to move, I need that one company...

Agitated, irritated, and not so hopeful... not a good way to begin the new week.

I need to go to bed, I have to wake up early for work. Until tomorrow.