Picking off the petals

So frail

so weak

humanity... you really do amaze me

Capable of so much! Only 10% of us, in all of the world's history, maybe less, has exercised our potentials.

Que lastima

all of us are like this... I doubt that i am of that proverbial 10%; but I'd like to think that i am working toward it.

Connection... it just doesnt happen. We are too caught up within ourselves to apprehend what really matters

Everyone hopes for a Tiqqun `olam, and wonder why it isnt happening

Everyone hopes and chants "MashiaHh Now!" and wondering why it isn't happening.

Indeed, I fear that he may come when we have diminished into the depths and lows of depravity and nothingness as a people. I mean, we are that nihilistic age and society, no?

And who knows, maybe Mashiahh is around the corner, but it wont be with us standing in some proverbial righteousness and holiness, that's for sure.

Yes, this seems bleak, yes, my words are dark and speak of a negative light on reality... yet, people these days tend to see everything backward. I am of the few that sees things as they are. it doesnt mean I dont recognize the beauties that exist, as well... but humanity has, no doubt, reached the age of the Mabul. Philo has lots to say about that, and I see its preciseness and relevance to our day... It's funny now that i think of it as I recall a convo that I had with my cousin about two years back, (as only an examples of the many things that is happening in these days) "niggas are turning into bitches and women are wearing the pants and the belt... and growing a pair of balls too."

I'm egalitarian and all, and I recognize the traits of me that are sensitive (as its something that Ive always been); however, this is bull and it completely fits with what Philo says about the days of the mabul...

meh... [picking flower petals] "give up on humanity, help humanity, give up on humanity..."

Synchronic Cycles

Interestingly, as I finally uttered (wrote) it on my thoughts for this past shabbath (Mossé shabbath) Raphy uttered that he is failing to see any worth in humanity, and will be cutting off because of the failings he has encountered with people. Unfortunately, I had a feeling I knew why he was doing it; which only seems to confirm something else.

I guess I just need to move in what my logic tells me

hehe, well this is the state of me at the moment, who knows what will be... i know I don't, but out of everything, I know that I've learned to recognize when I am overwhelmed, and that I shouldn't follow anyone else's direction when I am confused or overwhelmed. Especially, if it's a different path from what the soul originally agreed on- next thing you know, trouble happens. And how to snap out of being overwhelmed? Take a day's break, let it soak in, maybe a week at most if necessary, come back and share thoughts, let the other person connect, as well.

Who am I?

Overwhelming

Dramatic

Philosopher

Thinker

Eccentric

Black

All of these are things I have been called since moving up here to good ol New York. Are any of these me?

Overwhelming? I guess I can be ... it pains me that I can be, though. But it is what it is.

Dramatic, Never thought of myself that way, though, I have asked a friend of mine who knows me for a very long amount of time and he said, "You're artistic and have goals, people who dont will always find people like you odd and dramatic even though you're not."

It was nice to see that someone saw me for me

Philosopher? Interesting... I dont go out of my way to be one, but I do like philosophy and usually try to reason and question... aren't I just being Jewish?

Thinker... the only observation that i have seen factual thus far.

Black? sure, that's my apparent skin color... yet, I dont associate with Black Americans, I am first generation U.S. American, my family doesn't come from the virgin Islands, Haiti, Jamaica, Dominican Republic, Beliz, etc.

My Mother is second generation central American, her background is from England, West and North Africa, and the Orient (near and far), and my father was first generation Puerto Rican and his background is also from Spain. As to how I came out so dark... I have my noble Grandfather to thank for that.

People state without  inquiring and asking questions, people have their perception, that's fine with me... but, it's funny when they impose their farce perceptions on you. When they lack to connect, they fail to see. And one of the greatest ways of knowing how and when a person is doing it from malice within and not plain ignorance is when their energy is disrupted, unpeaceful, and uncaring - they are unwilling to listen to the truth. Honest people, genuine ones who only are unawakened to the whispering self are intrigued and humbled at the truth compared to their presumptions.

For example, eople are bewildered as to why I speak Spanish? Because they have presumptions without observing, considering, and questioning (scientific method).

My hair isn't that nappy as mammash blacks; my features dont match that as mammash blacks; Yes! I'm Jewish dammit! No not a convert you tard! (If I were white with the surname Goldstein you wouldn't even ask). No, I don't want to date "black" Jewish women just because you perceive me as black! thank you so damned much- especially in trying to set me up with ones not so attractive either- I guess you have no perception of what a good looking woman looks like? black or not!?

I am what I am to myself, and if the rest of you could only communicate with me to actually see my life, then you would think completely different... of me. And this is how each of us should treat everyone. I am cursed to think differently than the majority... o fickle humanity... to what ends will we go before we consume each other in our own self indulgence imposed upon the rest of us?

Mossé Shabbath- thoughts of this shabbath

Oh, humanity... I dont trust in it (we are so damned fickle)

you constantly shatter my brain and shame hasn't had its fill of me yet

Some say that i am blessed

I only see the curse of who I am, and I think that the God is One who is completely obsessed

with killing moral men (definitely killing me)

Having them struggle patiently

killing them tragically shot from other people's misdeeds

I have no sabbath, though I partake in it weekly

walk the streets meekly whilst my insides are seeping with melancholy and sadness

ask if I will have this piece of the pie I wish for, nope! in fact, I cant just

sit here and wait, it's been about two weeks

since it happened and now Im fractioned down two (too) deep

Im half of who I thought I was when it's completeness I seek and sought

for benevolence but now all I want is eternal see

Just ask me, how I came to this point of being

I broke my code of silence to self ... and kept falling

recalling the words I needed when within me they were uttered

 I dont even know if I remembers it, brother

And now the silence wont whisper, barred in silence with communication with me

I'm wondering if humanity will treat me like how it did with Raphy

A million thoughts scramble my brain I cant handle, i need to quiet it down

but the traffic stacks a landfill

All I know is that I was too overwhelmed to realize what was going on. I couldn't even *BE* myself

I couldn't flow naturally as I would through the whispering self.

What happened?

My feelings want to abandon ship

"You can't abandon this, continue with your plans, do the benevolent thing that you wished to do to help others", says my logic and reasoning.

instinct tells me, "reach out to myself intently and actively- and I will find her-the one who will help me as God said, "Wayyomer ... lo-tob heyoth ha'adam lebadho, e`ese lo `ezer...keneghdo", And Said The Only Existing Judge and Power of Powers, it is not good that man (humanity) is unaccompanied, I will make him (male-humanity) a helpmate...against (or/adjacent) him", if she's ready or not; tell her what's going on. Tell her the specific plans."

Intuition tells me... "I need you-full soul. Its the only way to accomplish the plan"

So then, what should be my resolve?

This sabbath was spent in deep reflection; and in deep want and need. Dreaming, hoping dreadfully for the company that only one can fulfill, trying to quiet the 'noise' down whilst my roommates slept soundly until the wee afternoon; two more hours till habdallah. I went to bed not long after, I needed a break, I needed silence, going to bed weighing heavily on my thoughts- I took a moment to stop sending out my energy to my other soul-wherever she is. Waking up with the same...

Continue to walk the path O soul of mine, you have much work to do. Do not yield, do not fail, and listen to Him that is within you, and controls the events, and Who sees them all as one flash simultaneous.

This I have just realized is the call of my 'whispering self'. Please continue to speak to me, and share the conversations that you have with the Hidden One. Thank you for communicating with me!

Traffic Jam

Congested roads of travel,

A vehicle tries to get to it's destination

Some on the road in aggravated impatience

Others, preparing their appearance along the way of the stop and go, break now, slow, go, stop

Others patiently relaxed at arriving to their destination, for some, that destination is already There where they are.

Others in fear and anxiety, others elated, and the list goes on...

What happens with us in our internal traffic jams? How do we go about it? How do we embrace it? How are we in that moment? Do we let the noise congeal that much? or are we able to quiet ourselves down, focus, have peace of mind no matter what jams and binds we may be seemingly in the middle of.

Within my attempt at silence, some days the silence is profound... other days the noise gathers in swarms to the point of breaking the mind and heart ...

Now that I am writing this, I am in wonder how this may relate to Philo Judaeus, as I recalled, in seeming synchronicity, reading about these very two organs;

The Sacrifices of Cain and Abel, XL,

136. And he brings not only the first fruits from the firstborn, but also from the fat; showing by this that whatever there is in the soul that is cheerful, or fat, or preservative and pleasant, might all be surrendered to God. And I see also in the arrangements established about sacrifices, that three things are enjoined to be offered from the victims; in the first place the fat, and the kidneys, and the lobe of the liver, about which e will speak separately; bot not the brain or the heart which it seemed natural should be dedicated before the other parts, since according to the language of the lawgiver (Moses), the dominant power is recognized as existing in one of them.

137. But may it not be owing to an exceeding holiness and to very accurate consideration of the matter that he did not bear these things to the faithful altar of God? because that dominant part being subject to changes in either direction, either for bad or good, in an indivisible moment of time receives impressions which are continually changing, at one time impressions of that is pure and approved, and at others of an adulterated and base coinage.

138. Therefore the lawgiver judging a place which was capable of receiving both these opposite qualities, namely, what is honorable, and what is disgraceful, and which was adapted to each, and distributed equal honor to both, to be quite as much impure as holy, removed it from the altar of God. For what is disgraceful is profane, and what is profane is by all means unholy;

139. and this is why the dominant part is kept away from the sacrifices, but if it is subjected to examination, then, when all its parts have been purified, it will be consecrated as a burnt offering, free from all stain, and from all pollution. For this is the law respecting whole burnt offerings, that with the exception of the refuse of the food, and of the skin which are tokens of the weakness of the body and not of wickedness, nothing else should be left to the creature, but that all the other parts which exhibit the soul perfect in all its parts, should be presented as a whole burnt offering to God.

On The Unchangeableness Of God, I,

4. For the appropriate progeny of God are the perfect virtues, but that ofspring which is akin to the wicked, is unregulated wickedness. But learn thou, if thou wilt, O my mind... after the example of Abraham, who offered up to God "The beloved and only legitimate offspring of his soul", the most conspicuous image of self-taught wisdom, by name Isaac; and who gave him up with all cheerfulness to be a necessary and fitting offering to god. "Having bound", as the scripture says, this new kind of victim, either because he, having once tasted of the divine inspiration, did not condescend any longer to tread on any mortal truth, or because he saw that the creature was unstable and movable, while he recognized the unhesitating firmness existing in the Living God, on whom he is said to have believed."

All I know, and in truth, I know nothing, is that things are all based on perception, the way we wish to interpret things. If we wish to interpret things within ourselves for good, they will be for a good, as we continue to walk in that direction... In other words, "I chose to repair the world (Tiqun `Olam) by repairing myself" ... Im wondering how this connects with Philo, or if it does at all? Hmm

Any suggestions and or insights on what you may see here? For me? For yourself? In General, as applied to all?

Everyone has a story to tell

My inspiration ...

Pain

what keeps me moving ...

heartache

That coupled and contrasted with

peace and solace,

an aim of all people

What are our walls that we raise before others that bar us from others, that bar us from actually letting ourselves BE? The Fear, the Pain, Heartache, it's too risky if we are the only ones doing so- and if we perceive that we're the only one's giving, taking this chance to vocalize who were are. We're afraid of becoming lone, the only one who has taken the risk of engaging on such a venture and jeopard exposure ... to be alone ... yet, we know very well that our wall will cause us to stagnate, and cause more harm than in opening ... and most of us have these walls, each similar in nature, standing very firm.

I am beginning to think that 'connection' is impossible; however, this is only the beginning of my experiment.

"Stand ground soldier!", a voice exhorts within me. In a truth, I have no other way to go save for the path that I have embarked on already. Not for ego because I can stop any time I wish, especially if it seems hazardous ... however, there really seems to be nothing left for me to return to and no one to move forward with.

Giving up on life and interaction? No, this isn't the case. Within my experiment I find that people are satisfied with just very minimal, superficial interaction, and as long as you have a smile on your face, no one really perceives anything more than what they see in their own mind's world. No doubt, my experiment is confirming this about people ... and even though I am positive that people can break beyond this subjective self-world view, people don't utilize their skills of considerateness or maybe they just don't have it at all to activate.

For example, just this morning on the way to work at some 4-ish a.m., whilst leaving the train station, I saw a homeless person sitting at the bottom of the stairs of the very entrance to the subway! No, not inside parts of the subway station entrance, but at the bottom of the entrance stairs where the average person begins to tighten the grip of their jackets to hopefully shield their body from the imposing cold! And this person, doing their best to not expose any part of themselves to the cold, shivering, now very lethargically as the cold confidently slows our blood's flow every time he wishes to dance with us for one more ice-gripping song of its wind ... and O' have I experienced his insistence on 'just one more song'. It pained me to see this person there as I thought to myself, "If only I had my business running I would give this person a job" ... and it's only now that I realized that this person may have ultimately been thinking this - to be given a chance ... who knows. However, I even wish I had food on me, or a few extra $$ to spare, or get him a hot chocolate ... even speak with him/her, to hear, listen to his/her story ... everyone has one to tell, and everyone wants to share it ... but everyone has their wall which makes them fear. It's what kept me from telling his soul that I recognize him and just talking to him even without silver or gold or any present other than a soul to soul conversation

At the park, on the way home, I saw a black cat, huddled in a corner, as if trying to keep itself warm. At first I thought, when passing it, 'please don't run, I want to see you.", then, seeing it appear so sad, with droopy eyes and wet tear rings. I wished I had food for it, I wish I could listen to this cat's story... which, in fact, now thinking about it, I should have tried, with both the homeless person and the cat ... I myself suffer from being able to be, to let go - because I have yet to actually do it.

I wonder to myself, what if there was a sage, most beautiful of all human beings to ever walk this earth who had undergone mortifying experiences, who was sequestered, beaten, maligned and mangled beyond recognition? Family wouldn't be able to identify them; their hands too broken to write anymore from constant agony of pain - their voice left them long ago from the excruciating cries which tried incessantly to match their pain; their eyes, withered eyes which can no longer cast forth the light of their soul because their salty tears dried them up ... Once a most perfect of human beings, in all arts and sciences, in all beauties and ethics, now unable to write, speak, or cast their feeling through their eyes ... shall we, the rest of us consider that person no one to speak to? Should we not give them the honor of telling their story somehow? Can we actively establish communication with such a person? See what they see deep within their core!?

This is the state of all of us deep within ...

As everyone wants to just have a bite to eat

there are those that just think about themselves and depriving others whether directly or indirectly.

As everyone only wants to have a place to sleep

there are those that just think about themselves and depriving others whether directly or indirectly.

As everyone wants to feel worth, wants to feel loved, needed, held, cared for... we are the others who think about ourselves ...

This is the state of all of us deep within ...

Everyone has a story to tell, and we aren't even listening to our own

Barred from Nature

Noise, it's everywhere...

I'm not speaking of sounds... but noise. In this city there is really no escaping it.

Within, it's even worse...

I went to bed thinking about my wife that I have yet to meet...does she exist? woke up for work this morning, once again, thinking about her, whoever she is...

Went to walk in the park for thought, seclusion, serenity more like it... couldn't find her.

But, plans for something 'better' did arrive...just the concepts, who knows if they will actually be.

Partially frozen lake, Geese walk on it's surface as the 'miracle of Jesus'.

I want her, I feel within myself the growing desire to be with her, just to be around her, to know that her company is here... to feel the warmth of her being in this chilly setting. I send my energy out to her... who knows if the Prime Cause allowed it to reach her between our physical distance and knowledge of recognizing each other. I wonder if our minds can connect telepathically, or are we just that distant, that I wont be able to connect as was born in me to connect with her as of recent.

What does she think like? Are any of her thoughts concerning me? Does she seek me or is she happy looking into the face of another? If I see her can I talk to her freely and open?

Nature, we all seem jailed from it. To express as we must, to commune freely, without fear of another's judgment, without fear of tripping over a tree root, that when we hit the ground and we raise our head up and focus our vision on that thing which caused us to momentarily stumble, we find the most beautiful sight of earth, full of it's greens, and lavenders, and violets; we adjust ourselves comfortably on the ground, breathe in deeply taking in the sun light pattered through the tree leaves above, exhaling- though evident, seems non-existent for we are too busy taking in the connection and bliss, centering it within ourselves- becoming one... with the very thing that caused us to fall... or was it a fall at all? Embrace it... communicate with it, whatever may be in the depths of your soul.

This is our relationship with people, as well... Yet most of us let ourselves become barred from 'Nature'.

A Change Gon' Come

So i sit here, at the computer, when I should be sleeping, still with the pains from earlier, speaking with the Aluf Abir and a good friend of mine from way back in the day, Ron. A radiant and brilliant person within 'am yisrael.

Hearing their struggles to become a change in the world, to find their place with what they know and to be a contributing element for our people... I can see that a change will come. Finding out that they both know each other (what a small world), and how Ron sees Abir, encouraged me that what we do does, in fact, take affect... as i spoke about in the Abysmal Tales part I

The Aluf calls me "philospher", and Ron says "you've always been a thinker", I say, "it get's me into trouble"... as the track record has been that it usually does, with everyone.

The Aluf and I, begun speaking on Halakhic issues this evening, Ron and I began speaking on Sodoth ("kabbalistic") ideas this evening... sigh... so strange... Racing thoughts coming and going...

But, for sure, a change will come... I hope, for the good, as that is our cliché, "everything is for the best".

who knows...

It can only begin within each and every individual... as the Prime Cause is found within each and every person, and in the space between each of us... if we can just latch on to that... who knows what will be

The Abysmal Tales part I

Agitation, Irritation, Antsy, Contemplative, self-judging...

It's how I spent shabbath today; now dark mossé shabbath evening, the feelings still linger, and not in a most hopeful or optimistic way that I usually am found to be in. I have been reviewing, unpurposefully (just made that word up - maybe), the future, things I need and must accomplish, all with a proverbial 'knife' stabbing at me with every self-loathing and judgmental thought. Very much the anti-thesis of 'being' that I wish to attain... or was I already in 'being'?

All of this is utter craziness, and life seems to be very cynic-like. I have long ago taken the "lone wolf" path, hence my pseudonym here, "ookami" (Jap. for 'solitary wolf')... Interestingly enough, I'm 'lone' in so many different ways, almost every, so the pseudonym suits me just fine.

I'm 'lone' in thought and religious fulfillment, as stated so very well by Hakham Faur in Homo Mysticus. Though, there are others who do join me in this path that I have met... so I guess in this regard, i am no longer lone; however, in the treatment from other Jews to those like us, every individual of our ilk, as we are labeled, is treated with grave contempt.

I am lone, or rather, a lone when dealing with a loved one... other than family and friends. Though, I have been asked out last week by an interesting girl, in an everyday way of the world... I am unconvinced that this is the soul path. In the way I describe this, I am sure that many would see this as a reflection that I have of myself... which could be true... but, who knows. What I do know that this reflects about myself is that I am looking for someone to share intimate details about myself, and about my perception of life with, to make mistakes with, to continue and progress in life with.

For me, I do not even have friends that fit the bill, if there were a non-romantic friend to fit this, maybe I would have no need for more (?)... maybe this only friend is God? Yet if it is even His tora says that I cannot walk alone...yet, I proudly walk lone...yet see that the path of the whispering self will not let me continue 'lone.
So why not be with this person who asked me out? My soul tells me no, and I trust in it because it hears God - all souls do. Until I find the One, my Eve, my Sarah, I walk alone. Any other female is only a distraction and is a perpetuation of my being alone. My heart nor my eyes, nor my mind seeks distraction of the nonsense of women. I want to remain fixated on truth only. Unfortunately I anticipate mistakes happening along the way. May God protect me and my beloved who I have yet to meet that we find each other and strive together.

As I read in "Jewish dreams and Realities", a book I had to edit for printing, we have God, so one is never alone... I just ask... "can I truly connect to Him?" I really wish to. For connecting to humanity seems just as impossible as the thought of actually connecting with Him! How all seems to be futile... yet, as I water up within myself, I remember the words of King Shelomó,

" סוֹף דָּבָר, הַכֹּל נִשְׁמָע: אֶת-הָאֱלֹהִים יְרָא וְאֶת-מִצְו‍ֹתָיו שְׁמוֹר, כִּי-זֶה כָּל-הָאָדָם "

"Concluding word, to it's entirety be [yourself] yielding/hearing/listening: Fear God, and observe His enjoinments/attachments (commandments), this is the entirety of man-kind".

I have noticed that everything that a person, that one sole human being does, isn't for themselves, a person does not live for themselves, no matter how diluted they may be to think that they do. The fact is, everything a person does affects and has effect on humanity at large, whether directly or not. Yes, this idea does echo what some want to call kabbalistic philosophy, but, it is beyond this idea of kabbalah, it is, in fact, human reality.

How do I really attach? The Torah seems full of this very message... "be set-apart as I am set-apart", all throughout Wayiqra, and "be Tamim with your God", and "attach (debeq) yourself to the Lord your God" which the sages explain that debeq to God is to attach to the Hakhamim. Yet, another debeq I find is in Bereshith where the male species is told to leave parents to debeq unto his wife...

Maybe this is where I first made a mistake in my experiment of the whispering self? hehe, I don't really know; however, I begin to really understand that "it is not good for a man to be alone"... is not God sufficient? I guess not, for Adam was already with God when the Prime Cause intimated the statement that it isn't good for him to be alone. How do we connect!? What is our purpose!? Of course, this takes me back to Koheleth 12 that everything we are to do is to fear god and keep His enjoinments... so then I ask, "how do we keep them!?" yet, of course, a simple answer is given... just observe the Halakhoth, "but how do we keep these as attachments rather than "commandments" of which there really is no Hebrew for!?" To attach oneself isn't a black and white thing, yes, there may be the foundational protocol between two people trying to make the connection; nevertheless, it's something much more... the desire to become intimate, to know someone that well, in which we find Moshé Rabbenu expressing when he called out to the Prime Mover, "Let me see you!", The Prime Cause responded, "No, but I'll let you see my 'back'."

I return to thoughts of being 'better', whatever that is supposed to mean. To attain a decent paying career, enough to care for myself and loved-ones, enough to help out those in need, to help out genuine causes for the cause of unity and completeness and peace... sigh... but, c'est la vie

and what am I to do, and how am i to go about it? Life painstakingly ails me, yet Life is God.

I trust no one, yet I am the first to give people the benefit of the doubt. I go with their flow, only to find out that it's not really the flow which I would have initially opted for. People change at every moment, yet, God is said to be the same and unchanging for ever and ever... yet it seems to be nuanced that to attach to God one must attach to humanity, in the biblical words and the words of Hhaza"l, to attach not to humanity as a whole but specifically to a wife and to the Rabbis (Rabbis, which exist not today)... what a convoluted and confusing path life must be if this is so...

Oh yea, and I had the strangest, almost like a horror movie without the gore, kind of dream...though, i completely forgot what it was about.

I need to move, I need that one company...

Agitated, irritated, and not so hopeful... not a good way to begin the new week.

I need to go to bed, I have to wake up early for work. Until tomorrow.

In my time of silence

Here,

I dare not try to be poetic, however if it should be so... the 'being' it must.

My attempt, to keep daily record of myself, within silence, the flow of thoughts to ultimately reach 'being' who I am and actively being my subconscious... if such a thing can be attained.

This is my experiment, as my good friend Gil termed it to be on Tuesday (01-19-10) of this week. A very interesting one... Though, I originally hoped to enter it in complete silence, of course allowing myself to utter words of prayer and meaningless chitchat save to myself, it seemed to have become more complicated; as such is the path of life: so simple, yet can be so complicated. As I write now, all I can think of is to make it simple - cut off the noise: my friends, beloved others, potential others, and in that way I can begin to quiet myself down.

As my thoughts jump from one building to another and back on the same roofs I've jumped from, One thing is for sure to my progression... MOVE! I need to move from where I am now, 1) Physically; which will help me move and progress 2) Mentally and Spiritually. I pray that God helps me. I have been told by a couple of people (who don't seem to be too supportive of my decision to go into silence), said that what i am doing "Isn't Jewish". Who knows, they may be right. Ironically enough, all other of my friends seem to be supportive, one even exclaiming that "it's Hassiduth!"

To back track just a bit, one out of the two people that aren't supportive rescinded their saying and restating their thoughts saying, "Well, if you're doing it, it's your path, and thus, making it a Jewish one."

Interestingly enough, it reminds me of the path that Halakhah takes when making judgments (being deliberate in Judgement) and how the Halakhic system and methodology works; one of which very few people have mind to know about these days, approaching things in a rather grievous black and white sausage-factory of dolts who seem to think that the LAW comes from a book, from a classroom text book (?).

These are my reflections of times past, of which I may revisit in future posts. This post seems rather vague, as I am positive that I will scarcely remember what these dancing thoughts are when I return to this...

My good friend's cat died today... most horrifically! i couldnt bare to gaze upon it's scattered corpse as I saw it peripherally. Such a kind, beautiful, and affectionate cat. His name was schnitzle... a golden, tiger stripped, almost Garfield-like since he had been getting fatter (wow, did he love food!)

What I found strange about this incident is that my friend exclaimed to me, earlier in the day:

"when it comes to other people I don't care what happens to them; yet, if it's something that pertains to me, then I'll feel the pain. For example, some one could come crying and saying, 'I can't believe that happened!', I would respond, 'What? What happened!?', 'Someone I care for died!', 'Oh! You scared me for a second! I thought you were crying because you broke my laptop or something of the sort'".

I exclaimed immediately after he said this, at about 6pm (maybe), "Yep! That's you, haha." He knows himself, and doesn't shy away from it. It's something awesome to be. However, i do feel sad for him, especially in contrast of what he said earlier in the day, and when he found out that his cat died later in the night, which was roughly around 10:30pm-11pm. I cannot say if it was a judgment or not, I thank God that it wasn't him that died, or his wife, God forbid!

Nevertheless, while he was crying after about an hour, lamenting for Schnitzy, I found it astounding that he expressed, "Why did he have to die!? My little dude never did anything to anyone! Why couldn't it be my mom's dog or something?"

My jaw dropped inside of me... I didn't know what to think. Previously, I couldn't bare to see my friend cry, after this expression, I felt as if he hadn't realized what was going on...

I admire that he is actively able to be himself fully, as unawakened as he is... it is an awesome quality! Nevertheless, I feel, it isn't something that I can say that I know for certain as a universal truth, but something that i accept within myself as my truth, I feel as if he missed the greater picture- and it reflects on what he said earlier... "that which pertains to me".

It's insane all of the synchronicities that have been floating about in the world... actually, they revolve constantly- the question is, are we open enough to be able to see them? However, to get back on track, I have been reflecting on the very idea of 'selfishness' and 'that which pertains to us'. I have been told by a good man, that the only way to be selfless is through selfishness... turning selfishness toward the good. I asked, "how does that work?", in which he responded, "Selfishness is when a person cares about only those things which pertains to them. However, what if that person makes everything pertain to them? To love not only close relatives and friends, but to see a stranger as part of you as well?"

Though, of course, what he expressed isn't selfishness at all, but I got the message that he was trying to send... This had me reflect on Pirqe Aboth about the Wicked, the Fool, and the Just...

And funny enough, earlier in the day, I was talking on the phone with a good friend of mine, Kazik, who is living in Europe right now. we were speaking about the idea of learning EVERYTHING, as Hhaza"l encouraged. Thusly, I expressed:

"People who learn more than one language are learning different methodologies and ways of thought, they learn sciences which encourage the same, mathematics, literature, cultures, all of which encourage us as humanity to have a broader concept and idea about what reality actually is. People like this, surpass those who have a superiority complex of their language, of their culture, of their race."

My friend, then in turn replied, "Yes, people who are like the latter are narcissists and tyrants. The anti-thesis to unity."

This is where my path has been leading me... to attain unity, 1) within myself. Hence, I am seeking silence... finally, when I am able to tap into me the whispering me, to understand what is it that makes me tick, figuring out my methodology and connecting to it, then I will be able to 2) connect with others and understand their methodology. To pain when they pain, and elate when they elate.

This is my time of silence... and even yet, I can't hear myself (Ive been going on for about a week)... there is still "too much noise" as my head had been ringing most painfully in my head as the 'thumb' and constantly changing orange-blocks when I was a feverish youngling burning up, coughing painfully, and perspiring as if I were running marathons.

This is my time of silence and I wish that I could 1) move; I wish that I could 2) have a shoulder to rely on- that person to connect with... I will do what I must and need... wherever it takes me.

My path has been lonely for years, seemingly without end, and I anticipate it continuing this way. So, Soul of mine, O whispering one who has fervently communicated to silence my active self, and to connect with you, to realize my state and potential and to learn how to act actively with you in gear; help me move away the moss from my heart's ears- tell me what you and My God have conversed and how I must ... BE... connect with me, and connecting with anyone else will not be necessary if only for the benefit of nihilistic humanity!

Can I... can we find Pardes (the Orchard)?