No hope for a Utopia

it's crazy what religion has done to people...

the good are stressed by it:
some leave it
some try to remain and fight for those who are imposed upon
the ignorant are led as sheep by the predators.
The predators use religion for their political agendas
or to push their agendas for self aggrandizement and their athoritiy.
Over all, division.

Ive seen Jew become muslim
Muslim become Christian
Christian become Muslim.
Muslim (very few) become Jew.
Jew become Christian.
Christian become Jew.

And I'm sure none for the most right reasons for what "religion" (in the western sense) should really stand for.

I am very disjointed about this; and all that Moses our Teacher had hoped for, I find it a flickering flame on the last bit of wick and last drops of oil in a candelabra which has remained thus since the beginning of this mission.
What hope is there for transcendence?

Picking off the petals

So frail

so weak

humanity... you really do amaze me

Capable of so much! Only 10% of us, in all of the world's history, maybe less, has exercised our potentials.

Que lastima

all of us are like this... I doubt that i am of that proverbial 10%; but I'd like to think that i am working toward it.

Connection... it just doesnt happen. We are too caught up within ourselves to apprehend what really matters

Everyone hopes for a Tiqqun `olam, and wonder why it isnt happening

Everyone hopes and chants "MashiaHh Now!" and wondering why it isn't happening.

Indeed, I fear that he may come when we have diminished into the depths and lows of depravity and nothingness as a people. I mean, we are that nihilistic age and society, no?

And who knows, maybe Mashiahh is around the corner, but it wont be with us standing in some proverbial righteousness and holiness, that's for sure.

Yes, this seems bleak, yes, my words are dark and speak of a negative light on reality... yet, people these days tend to see everything backward. I am of the few that sees things as they are. it doesnt mean I dont recognize the beauties that exist, as well... but humanity has, no doubt, reached the age of the Mabul. Philo has lots to say about that, and I see its preciseness and relevance to our day... It's funny now that i think of it as I recall a convo that I had with my cousin about two years back, (as only an examples of the many things that is happening in these days) "niggas are turning into bitches and women are wearing the pants and the belt... and growing a pair of balls too."

I'm egalitarian and all, and I recognize the traits of me that are sensitive (as its something that Ive always been); however, this is bull and it completely fits with what Philo says about the days of the mabul...

meh... [picking flower petals] "give up on humanity, help humanity, give up on humanity..."

Synchronic Cycles

Interestingly, as I finally uttered (wrote) it on my thoughts for this past shabbath (Mossé shabbath) Raphy uttered that he is failing to see any worth in humanity, and will be cutting off because of the failings he has encountered with people. Unfortunately, I had a feeling I knew why he was doing it; which only seems to confirm something else.

I guess I just need to move in what my logic tells me

hehe, well this is the state of me at the moment, who knows what will be... i know I don't, but out of everything, I know that I've learned to recognize when I am overwhelmed, and that I shouldn't follow anyone else's direction when I am confused or overwhelmed. Especially, if it's a different path from what the soul originally agreed on- next thing you know, trouble happens. And how to snap out of being overwhelmed? Take a day's break, let it soak in, maybe a week at most if necessary, come back and share thoughts, let the other person connect, as well.

Who am I?

Overwhelming

Dramatic

Philosopher

Thinker

Eccentric

Black

All of these are things I have been called since moving up here to good ol New York. Are any of these me?

Overwhelming? I guess I can be ... it pains me that I can be, though. But it is what it is.

Dramatic, Never thought of myself that way, though, I have asked a friend of mine who knows me for a very long amount of time and he said, "You're artistic and have goals, people who dont will always find people like you odd and dramatic even though you're not."

It was nice to see that someone saw me for me

Philosopher? Interesting... I dont go out of my way to be one, but I do like philosophy and usually try to reason and question... aren't I just being Jewish?

Thinker... the only observation that i have seen factual thus far.

Black? sure, that's my apparent skin color... yet, I dont associate with Black Americans, I am first generation U.S. American, my family doesn't come from the virgin Islands, Haiti, Jamaica, Dominican Republic, Beliz, etc.

My Mother is second generation central American, her background is from England, West and North Africa, and the Orient (near and far), and my father was first generation Puerto Rican and his background is also from Spain. As to how I came out so dark... I have my noble Grandfather to thank for that.

People state without  inquiring and asking questions, people have their perception, that's fine with me... but, it's funny when they impose their farce perceptions on you. When they lack to connect, they fail to see. And one of the greatest ways of knowing how and when a person is doing it from malice within and not plain ignorance is when their energy is disrupted, unpeaceful, and uncaring - they are unwilling to listen to the truth. Honest people, genuine ones who only are unawakened to the whispering self are intrigued and humbled at the truth compared to their presumptions.

For example, eople are bewildered as to why I speak Spanish? Because they have presumptions without observing, considering, and questioning (scientific method).

My hair isn't that nappy as mammash blacks; my features dont match that as mammash blacks; Yes! I'm Jewish dammit! No not a convert you tard! (If I were white with the surname Goldstein you wouldn't even ask). No, I don't want to date "black" Jewish women just because you perceive me as black! thank you so damned much- especially in trying to set me up with ones not so attractive either- I guess you have no perception of what a good looking woman looks like? black or not!?

I am what I am to myself, and if the rest of you could only communicate with me to actually see my life, then you would think completely different... of me. And this is how each of us should treat everyone. I am cursed to think differently than the majority... o fickle humanity... to what ends will we go before we consume each other in our own self indulgence imposed upon the rest of us?

Mossé Shabbath- thoughts of this shabbath

Oh, humanity... I dont trust in it (we are so damned fickle)

you constantly shatter my brain and shame hasn't had its fill of me yet

Some say that i am blessed

I only see the curse of who I am, and I think that the God is One who is completely obsessed

with killing moral men (definitely killing me)

Having them struggle patiently

killing them tragically shot from other people's misdeeds

I have no sabbath, though I partake in it weekly

walk the streets meekly whilst my insides are seeping with melancholy and sadness

ask if I will have this piece of the pie I wish for, nope! in fact, I cant just

sit here and wait, it's been about two weeks

since it happened and now Im fractioned down two (too) deep

Im half of who I thought I was when it's completeness I seek and sought

for benevolence but now all I want is eternal see

Just ask me, how I came to this point of being

I broke my code of silence to self ... and kept falling

recalling the words I needed when within me they were uttered

 I dont even know if I remembers it, brother

And now the silence wont whisper, barred in silence with communication with me

I'm wondering if humanity will treat me like how it did with Raphy

A million thoughts scramble my brain I cant handle, i need to quiet it down

but the traffic stacks a landfill

All I know is that I was too overwhelmed to realize what was going on. I couldn't even *BE* myself

I couldn't flow naturally as I would through the whispering self.

What happened?

My feelings want to abandon ship

"You can't abandon this, continue with your plans, do the benevolent thing that you wished to do to help others", says my logic and reasoning.

instinct tells me, "reach out to myself intently and actively- and I will find her-the one who will help me as God said, "Wayyomer ... lo-tob heyoth ha'adam lebadho, e`ese lo `ezer...keneghdo", And Said The Only Existing Judge and Power of Powers, it is not good that man (humanity) is unaccompanied, I will make him (male-humanity) a helpmate...against (or/adjacent) him", if she's ready or not; tell her what's going on. Tell her the specific plans."

Intuition tells me... "I need you-full soul. Its the only way to accomplish the plan"

So then, what should be my resolve?

This sabbath was spent in deep reflection; and in deep want and need. Dreaming, hoping dreadfully for the company that only one can fulfill, trying to quiet the 'noise' down whilst my roommates slept soundly until the wee afternoon; two more hours till habdallah. I went to bed not long after, I needed a break, I needed silence, going to bed weighing heavily on my thoughts- I took a moment to stop sending out my energy to my other soul-wherever she is. Waking up with the same...

Continue to walk the path O soul of mine, you have much work to do. Do not yield, do not fail, and listen to Him that is within you, and controls the events, and Who sees them all as one flash simultaneous.

This I have just realized is the call of my 'whispering self'. Please continue to speak to me, and share the conversations that you have with the Hidden One. Thank you for communicating with me!

Traffic Jam

Congested roads of travel,

A vehicle tries to get to it's destination

Some on the road in aggravated impatience

Others, preparing their appearance along the way of the stop and go, break now, slow, go, stop

Others patiently relaxed at arriving to their destination, for some, that destination is already There where they are.

Others in fear and anxiety, others elated, and the list goes on...

What happens with us in our internal traffic jams? How do we go about it? How do we embrace it? How are we in that moment? Do we let the noise congeal that much? or are we able to quiet ourselves down, focus, have peace of mind no matter what jams and binds we may be seemingly in the middle of.

Within my attempt at silence, some days the silence is profound... other days the noise gathers in swarms to the point of breaking the mind and heart ...

Now that I am writing this, I am in wonder how this may relate to Philo Judaeus, as I recalled, in seeming synchronicity, reading about these very two organs;

The Sacrifices of Cain and Abel, XL,

136. And he brings not only the first fruits from the firstborn, but also from the fat; showing by this that whatever there is in the soul that is cheerful, or fat, or preservative and pleasant, might all be surrendered to God. And I see also in the arrangements established about sacrifices, that three things are enjoined to be offered from the victims; in the first place the fat, and the kidneys, and the lobe of the liver, about which e will speak separately; bot not the brain or the heart which it seemed natural should be dedicated before the other parts, since according to the language of the lawgiver (Moses), the dominant power is recognized as existing in one of them.

137. But may it not be owing to an exceeding holiness and to very accurate consideration of the matter that he did not bear these things to the faithful altar of God? because that dominant part being subject to changes in either direction, either for bad or good, in an indivisible moment of time receives impressions which are continually changing, at one time impressions of that is pure and approved, and at others of an adulterated and base coinage.

138. Therefore the lawgiver judging a place which was capable of receiving both these opposite qualities, namely, what is honorable, and what is disgraceful, and which was adapted to each, and distributed equal honor to both, to be quite as much impure as holy, removed it from the altar of God. For what is disgraceful is profane, and what is profane is by all means unholy;

139. and this is why the dominant part is kept away from the sacrifices, but if it is subjected to examination, then, when all its parts have been purified, it will be consecrated as a burnt offering, free from all stain, and from all pollution. For this is the law respecting whole burnt offerings, that with the exception of the refuse of the food, and of the skin which are tokens of the weakness of the body and not of wickedness, nothing else should be left to the creature, but that all the other parts which exhibit the soul perfect in all its parts, should be presented as a whole burnt offering to God.

On The Unchangeableness Of God, I,

4. For the appropriate progeny of God are the perfect virtues, but that ofspring which is akin to the wicked, is unregulated wickedness. But learn thou, if thou wilt, O my mind... after the example of Abraham, who offered up to God "The beloved and only legitimate offspring of his soul", the most conspicuous image of self-taught wisdom, by name Isaac; and who gave him up with all cheerfulness to be a necessary and fitting offering to god. "Having bound", as the scripture says, this new kind of victim, either because he, having once tasted of the divine inspiration, did not condescend any longer to tread on any mortal truth, or because he saw that the creature was unstable and movable, while he recognized the unhesitating firmness existing in the Living God, on whom he is said to have believed."

All I know, and in truth, I know nothing, is that things are all based on perception, the way we wish to interpret things. If we wish to interpret things within ourselves for good, they will be for a good, as we continue to walk in that direction... In other words, "I chose to repair the world (Tiqun `Olam) by repairing myself" ... Im wondering how this connects with Philo, or if it does at all? Hmm

Any suggestions and or insights on what you may see here? For me? For yourself? In General, as applied to all?

Everyone has a story to tell

My inspiration ...

Pain

what keeps me moving ...

heartache

That coupled and contrasted with

peace and solace,

an aim of all people

What are our walls that we raise before others that bar us from others, that bar us from actually letting ourselves BE? The Fear, the Pain, Heartache, it's too risky if we are the only ones doing so- and if we perceive that we're the only one's giving, taking this chance to vocalize who were are. We're afraid of becoming lone, the only one who has taken the risk of engaging on such a venture and jeopard exposure ... to be alone ... yet, we know very well that our wall will cause us to stagnate, and cause more harm than in opening ... and most of us have these walls, each similar in nature, standing very firm.

I am beginning to think that 'connection' is impossible; however, this is only the beginning of my experiment.

"Stand ground soldier!", a voice exhorts within me. In a truth, I have no other way to go save for the path that I have embarked on already. Not for ego because I can stop any time I wish, especially if it seems hazardous ... however, there really seems to be nothing left for me to return to and no one to move forward with.

Giving up on life and interaction? No, this isn't the case. Within my experiment I find that people are satisfied with just very minimal, superficial interaction, and as long as you have a smile on your face, no one really perceives anything more than what they see in their own mind's world. No doubt, my experiment is confirming this about people ... and even though I am positive that people can break beyond this subjective self-world view, people don't utilize their skills of considerateness or maybe they just don't have it at all to activate.

For example, just this morning on the way to work at some 4-ish a.m., whilst leaving the train station, I saw a homeless person sitting at the bottom of the stairs of the very entrance to the subway! No, not inside parts of the subway station entrance, but at the bottom of the entrance stairs where the average person begins to tighten the grip of their jackets to hopefully shield their body from the imposing cold! And this person, doing their best to not expose any part of themselves to the cold, shivering, now very lethargically as the cold confidently slows our blood's flow every time he wishes to dance with us for one more ice-gripping song of its wind ... and O' have I experienced his insistence on 'just one more song'. It pained me to see this person there as I thought to myself, "If only I had my business running I would give this person a job" ... and it's only now that I realized that this person may have ultimately been thinking this - to be given a chance ... who knows. However, I even wish I had food on me, or a few extra $$ to spare, or get him a hot chocolate ... even speak with him/her, to hear, listen to his/her story ... everyone has one to tell, and everyone wants to share it ... but everyone has their wall which makes them fear. It's what kept me from telling his soul that I recognize him and just talking to him even without silver or gold or any present other than a soul to soul conversation

At the park, on the way home, I saw a black cat, huddled in a corner, as if trying to keep itself warm. At first I thought, when passing it, 'please don't run, I want to see you.", then, seeing it appear so sad, with droopy eyes and wet tear rings. I wished I had food for it, I wish I could listen to this cat's story... which, in fact, now thinking about it, I should have tried, with both the homeless person and the cat ... I myself suffer from being able to be, to let go - because I have yet to actually do it.

I wonder to myself, what if there was a sage, most beautiful of all human beings to ever walk this earth who had undergone mortifying experiences, who was sequestered, beaten, maligned and mangled beyond recognition? Family wouldn't be able to identify them; their hands too broken to write anymore from constant agony of pain - their voice left them long ago from the excruciating cries which tried incessantly to match their pain; their eyes, withered eyes which can no longer cast forth the light of their soul because their salty tears dried them up ... Once a most perfect of human beings, in all arts and sciences, in all beauties and ethics, now unable to write, speak, or cast their feeling through their eyes ... shall we, the rest of us consider that person no one to speak to? Should we not give them the honor of telling their story somehow? Can we actively establish communication with such a person? See what they see deep within their core!?

This is the state of all of us deep within ...

As everyone wants to just have a bite to eat

there are those that just think about themselves and depriving others whether directly or indirectly.

As everyone only wants to have a place to sleep

there are those that just think about themselves and depriving others whether directly or indirectly.

As everyone wants to feel worth, wants to feel loved, needed, held, cared for... we are the others who think about ourselves ...

This is the state of all of us deep within ...

Everyone has a story to tell, and we aren't even listening to our own